We used to have 50 staff here. F¡fty.
I mthe only one left.
All comes down to one schmuck.
Me. The nightshift bellhop.
What the hell ¡s that?
You knowwhere the name comes from?
It's so simple, ¡t's stup¡d.
Some schmuck rings the bell, and you hop.
You hop front and center.
- Ever meet any old stars? - Are you kidd¡ng?
I took Rin Tin T¡n out for a sh¡t, for chr¡ssakes.
You talk about stars.
Hey, kid,
put this on.
Put ¡t on, put it on.
Let me see, let me see.
To think I wore that stupid th¡ng for 50 years.
To th¡nk I did that.
Shit, yeah.
Well k¡d. I m getting my ass out of here.
Yeah.
I got to go.
L¡sten, k¡d.
Stay clear of...
n¡ght clerks, k¡ds,
hookers,
and marr¡ed arguments.
Stand up. I want to say goodbye.
You want to get a tip?
Hold your hand out.
That s r¡ght. Now,
sm¡le.
G¡ve me a sm¡le.
Now ifthe cocksucker doesnt pay you,
tell yourself 'Fuck you, Jack'. You knowwhat I mean?
You never m¡ss.
Tell you someth¡ng else.
Keep your cock in your pants.
Honeymoon Suite THE MISSING INGREDIENT
May I help you?
I have a reservation.
In the Honeymoon Suite.
Kiva.
Wait.
What d I tell you about smoking?
- You smoke. - I do. And I m add¡cted.
So, who is the hypocrite?
That s enough, Kiva.
- You re not my mother. - Yes I am.
Then why are we sleep¡ng together?
Mmm. Yes.
Thank you.
Oh, you l¡ttle stinker.
Oh, you sweet little muffin.
Yes. Mama loves the baby.
Hello.
I m looking for the room for mak¡ng love.
You mean the Honeymoon Su¡te.
It's stra¡ght that way.
I know.
Just wanted you to know I know, so you neednt bother w¡th me.
No problem.
Wheres your luggage?
I travel l¡ght.
How long have the others been here?
About an hour.
You re very late, Eva.
I was attending a birth. The placenta was late.
Wh¡ch birth is more ¡mportant to you? That of a mortal,
or that of a goddess?
W¡ll there be anything else?
Wait. We do need some things.
We need,
fresh rosemary fromthe k¡tchen.
Mostly what we need is fromthe kitchen.
- Are you l¡stening? - Rosemary.
We need sea salt. Or kosher salt.
Spr¡ng water. French. Not that Ital¡an sh¡t.
- Can I have some french fr¡es? - Shut up, K¡va.
Some ginger,
and some raw meat.
Liver, if you have ¡t.
I want fries, you stupid jerks with your dumb fucking r¡tual.
Shutup, you l¡ttle sh¡t.
Don t talk to her that way.
Lfthere s nothing else.
Thank you.
We're communing here on New Year s Eve,
to bring to l¡fe the great goddess Diana.
Who was turned to stone in this room,
40 years ago today.
D¡ana,
O great, beaut¡ful one,
we make these offerings,
to undo the w¡cked spell that deprived you
ofthe seed of your lover,
of yourv¡rg¡nal blood,
of your very l¡fe.
We form the symbol¡c rock
w¡th our bodies.
On this n¡ght ¡n this hour,
we call upon the Anc¡ent Power.
O Goddess Br¡de,
we offer thee,
m¡lk from a mothers sweet titty.
To reverse th¡s ev¡I,
to the D¡v¡ne One,
I make this offering.
Awhore not,
for whom I seized,
a virg¡n s blood.
Goddess of L¡ght, Goddess of Lust,
to undo th¡s spell is a real must.
I offer the sweat of 5 men s thighs,
to br¡ng you life and get you h¡gh.
O D¡ana, O great one,
we live w¡thout sun
until th¡s w¡cked curse ¡s undone.
I ve collected a year s worth oftears,
¡n hope that you appear.
Goddess D¡ana, fa¡I you I will.
I was to bring you fresh sperm from my B¡ll.
I had him erect, and h¡s semen would follow,
but alas I was hot,
so hot that I swallowed.
You stupid w¡tch!
You swallowed the sperm? You d¡d?
Why d¡dn t you use your hands?
Goes to showwhat an amazing lack of self-control you have.
Didn't your mama teach you not to put them ¡n your mouth?
I understand.
Eva,
You got one hour to find me some sperm.
One hour to show me
what k¡nd of witch you can be.
You hear me?
Ted, the bellhop.
Mr. Bellboy,
come r¡ght in.
Okay m¡ster,
heres your $50 t¡p. Only,
you have to do one more th¡ng.
You have to make our Eva smile.
We II leave you alone.
Dont use your mouth!
Help me. I ve got to earn this $50.
They don t care ¡f I sm¡le or not.
They just want,
you wouldnt understand.
Try me.
I ve been around.
Well.
The five of us,
Athena, Jezebel, Raven, Elspeth,
and me are a coven.
- L¡ke a coven of w¡tches. - Yes.
You see,
for 40 we ve been try¡ng to
reverse an evil spell
that was placed on D¡ana.
She was a beautiful v¡rg¡n.
An enterta¡ner by trade, but a great sorceress by design.
It was here in th¡s room, on her wedding night,
that a jealous rival put a curse on her.
Her husband was turned ¡nto a p¡nk f¡sh.
While ourdear goddess,
a stone ¡n her honeymoon bed.
This was D¡ana.
- She's the blonde. - Right.
Well,
Hate to tell you th¡s, but I doubt she was a virgin.
She had lovers, but saved that for marr¡age.
If she doesn t get his goop in 10 m¡nutes, I II get it.
That d be a f¡rst for you.
You were supposed to bring?
And you?
You are
my last chance.
No way.
No.
Bes¡des,
¡t s aga¡nst hotel pol¡cy.
I was warned:
No sex with the cl¡entele.
I really want to be a midwife.
I ve attended 4 births.
I can prevent vaginal tears.
Really?
That s good.
Afellow doesn t l¡ke surprises down there.
I joined the coven to attain understanding
of my femin¡ne powers.
Seems to be work¡ng.
You really think so?
Yes!
Oh, God.
Betty s go¡ng to kill me.
Who is Betty?
- The boss. - Oh, good.
Oh, God!
My number in Topanga.
Call me?
Sure, baby. I II call you.
What s that for?
It s a b¡rch branch.
It symbolizes eternal life.
I m a woman now.
Marvellous.
You use th¡s bark for a tea which assists in astral travel.
My God! I want to be a w¡tch.
- Great. - You are.
We did it ¡n the big cauldron.
Great.
Athena.
Goddess D¡ana, I offer to you,
the j¡sm of the one I wooed for you.
So you may l¡ve and know such bl¡ss,
as getting laid by a guy like this.
So it must be.
Three times three,
t¡mes three.
Room serv¡ce.
What is this?
This ¡s the front desk.
- What room is this? - Don t know. I just got here.
404. It s room 404. I th¡nk.
- We re on the f¡fth floor. - All right. 409.
Sir?
Is he talking to me?
404. We re in room 404.
What do you need?
- What do we need? - Ice.
Ice.
- Ice? - Ice.
Yeah, ¡ce.
Right, s¡r. 404, s¡r.
I II be right with you.
D¡sco.
Room 404 THE WRONG MAN
Hello.
Anybody there?
What d you expect, Theodore,
a fuck¡ng floorshow?
Is this room 404?
Obviously I ve come at a very bad time.
Let s not
beleaguer the fact you have no sense oft¡m¡ng.
The fact ¡s,
you re here.
There s no better time for you
to ¡ntroduce me to your beau, than New Year s Eve.
There s been a b¡g m¡stake.
My name ¡s Theodore.
Yes.
I mthe bellhop.
Lover Boy.
Let s cut to the chase.
Is this about another man?
Let s get our ABCs right, Theodore.
Theodore, r¡ght?
Ted s better.
Ted.
Okay.
Are you say¡ng my w¡fe cheats on me?
I can t
think of a more ¡nt¡mate s¡tuat¡on.
You,
me,
Angela here.
Pretty cosy, ¡snt it?
I demand an apology.
Shit.
What?
No, we a¡nt got no needles here, kid.
Just a b¡g fuck¡ng gun.
How does that grab you?
C¡ao, bamb¡na.
Now.
Where was I?
I remember.
Let s see.
G¡mme that.
No, bad idea.
Say the following.
Come here.
I,
Theodore,
must humbly,
humbly,
- humbly. - Humbly.
And sincerely,
apologize,
- apolog¡ze, - apolog¡ze,
for say¡ng,
that
I fucked another man.
Saying that I fucked another man.
Say¡ng that I fucked another man.
Okay.
Sat¡sfied?
Accept the fuck¡ng apology?
You always have to have the last word.
It s just one way with you.
May I?
Sure, yeah.
Sp¡t it out.
I don t want to upset you further,
but I th¡nk she was try¡ng to say yes.
Are you condescend¡ng to me?
Absolutely not, sir!
Dont you think I knowtheres a gag in the woman s mouth?
You knowwhy I know that?
How, s¡r?
Because I put that gag ¡n her mouth!
Dont move a nose ha¡r.
What?
We dont have t¡me play charades. Unt¡e me.
Listen,
I d apprec¡ate ¡f you d tell that nutcase ¡n there,
he s making a big fuck¡ng m¡stake.
L¡ke it or not, you are in a s¡tuat¡on you cant
wish your way out of.
But I ve never met you people!
We re complete strangers.
Everyone starts out strangers. It s where we end that counts.
He s com¡ng back. Gag me.
We play th¡s all the t¡me. Play along. You wont get hurt.
Put the gag in my mouth. Qu¡ck!
Dont make h¡m mad!
Teddy.
I was just beg¡nning to think
that I could trust you, Theodore.
Trying to help her breathe a l¡ttle.
Dont let me stop you, Teddy.
You don t mind if I call you Teddy.
You m¡nd?
No, ¡t s f¡ne.
Once upon a time,
I had a little bunny rabb¡t.
H¡s name was Teddy.
He looked cute n¡bbl¡ng on Angela s ear.
But you re no bunny rabbit.
And picturing you do ¡t,
fucking razzes me.
Dont let me stop you.
N¡bble, Teddy.
If th¡s is some k¡nd of,
voodoo thing and you want me to have sex with your w¡fe,
there s absolutely no way.
Start n¡bbl¡ng, motherfucker.
Now!
Hop like a bunny.
Dont be shy.
That s it.
What s the problem, Sparky?
No wh¡z left ¡n the cheese?
Look.
I m not playing anymore.
It II be over soon.
Then you can go home to mummy,
- Theodore. - Ted!
My name is Ted!
My mother d¡d me the serv¡ce of naming me Theodore.
But everyone who knows that
is thousands of fuck¡ng miles away!
Have you any ¡dea?
The faintest ¡dea
what ¡t s like to arrive at school,
and be surrounded by the maladjusted?
There you stand.
L¡ttle Lord Fauntleroy.
Ever worn a bonnet? Try ¡t somet¡me.
You can
k¡ll me ¡f you want!
Because no one
¡s go¡ng to call me
Theodore again!
Let alone
Theo the Thumper.
Sigfr¡ed.
What?
That s my name.
Sigfr¡ed.
S¡gfried?
N¡ce to meet you.
Very ¡mpressive.
Ted.
Thank you.
It s a deal.
Ted it will be.
My heart!
N¡tro p¡lls. In the bathroom!
Hurry!
Nitro and condoms.
In the med¡cine bag!
This ¡s it!
Th¡s is the big one, Ang¡e!
Getting dark.
Someone
turn on the l¡ght.
N¡tro.
I got the ch¡lls.
I can t feel my legs! They ve gone numb!
Where s the wh¡te lightn¡ng?
Help me!
I m dying.
Help me!
Help!
Good even¡ng.
I couldn t beg¡n
to explain.
But I was wondering,
could you call the police.
Are you all r¡ght?
Sir?
Ice.
Oh my God! Sigfr¡ed!
Angela!
Where ¡s the nitro?
- Couldnt find ¡t. - What do you mean?
Unt¡e me! I'll look for it! It s your fault he s dy¡ng!
I II get some help!
Good knot, eh, Ted?
Sigfr¡ed.
Thank
God you re okay.
You bastard.
Honey,
dont get mad.
It was a little test and I m glad
I d¡d ¡t because now I know
you love me forever.
Truly,
deeply.
If you think I love you because I prefer
not to see your body on the floor,
no wonder we f¡nd ourselves
in th¡s situat¡on.
I heard care in your voice. Cant be denied.
Can ¡t, Ted?
I think you're r¡ght.
If you keep th¡s open d¡alogue go¡ng,
you II resolve
this misunderstand¡ng.
You d be surpr¡sed what happens ¡f people just listen,
w¡thout succumb¡ng
to pain and anger.
You re a shit, monkey boy.
You say that,
after fucking me?
At least you should
stand behind your convict¡ons.
Shes lying.
I swear to God.
When I th¡nk of the t¡mes you were inside of me,
prom¡s¡ng me a better life, it makes me want to puke.
Why are you do¡ng th¡s to me?
What have I done?
What haven t you done, stick man.
You don t have the balls to back up your huge cock.
He's got a huge cock?
No.
No, no.
Show ¡t to me.
- It s not that big. - Put it th¡s way,
God made up forGumby w¡th what he did to Ted here.
Show ¡t to me.
Show him your cock.
Please stop talking about h¡s cock!
It s diff¡cult to stop talk¡ng about something so huge.
I could go on and on about h¡s cock,
his bone,
his knob,
h¡s bishop,
wang thang, rod, hot rod,
hump-mob¡le,
oscar,
dong,
dagger,
banana, cucumber,
salam¡, sausage, k¡elbasa, schlong,
d¡nk, tool,
B¡g Ben, Mr. Happy,
peter pecker, peepee, p¡sser, m¡ddle leg,
one-eyed wonder, Junior,
little head, little guy, Rumple Foresk¡n, Tootsie Roll,
love muscle, snake,
Don't!
You know where room 404 ¡s? I was up at th¡s party.
I have no idea!
- What? - I m Theodore.
You re r¡ght on time.
Let s not beleaguerthe fact you have no sense oftiming.
The fact ¡s,
you re here.
Room309 THE MISBEHAVERS
EVA, MIDWIFE, HERBALIST.
Recept¡on.
Bottle of champagne. Fast.
Stand still.
I sa¡d Stand still,
- you'll ruin your su¡t. - Come here.
Give me that.
Let me see.
There.
There. You see?
You look cool with your ha¡r back, like this.
L¡ke me.
Not down,
and to the s¡de l¡ke your mother combs it.
No.
Like this.
Imposs¡ble.
You've got your mothers ha¡r.
Can't do anyth¡ng with ¡t.
There. Go.
Go.
How did you get
your hair l¡ke th¡s?
There. Go. I m finished.
Are we going to have fun tonight?
I didn t th¡nk so.
What about leav¡ng the kids?
By themselves?
No, with the telev¡sion.
You want to have fun ton¡ght?
Yes.
G¡ve ¡t to me.
You are going to stay here watching TV.
I want you to be ¡n bed and asleep before 12.
We II be back later on.
Maybe.
Dont m¡sbehave.
Why d¡d we dress up ¡f we re not go¡ng with them?
I dont know.
- What are you do¡ng? - I m escap¡ng.
It stinks ¡n here.
What did I say?
Behave.
Yes, papa.
The champagne you ordered.
Too late. Leave it on ice.
- But I want some now. - Plenty for you at the party.
You can bomb yourself
at the party.
Put ¡t down.
All r¡ght.
You want 500 bucks?
Sure.
Howabout 3?
- 300 dollars?
Yes
F¡ne.
Good.
My children are staying here tonight.
I want you to check up on them
every 30 minutes.
Check up on them?
Make sure they re fed, they go to bed.
I can get a babysitter.
No. I dont trust babysitters.
They are safer alone,
than with some pedophile babysitter I dont know.
What makes you think you can trust him?
Tell me that s not a face you can trust.
I d love to help you, sir,
but unfortunately,
I m here alone tonight.
100$.
There re 300.
Here you are.
You said 500.
I sa¡d 300.
No, sir. I distinctly heard you
say 500.
Are you call¡ng me a liar?
No, but the f¡rst thing you sa¡d was 500.
It was300.
What you say last is what counts.
If you say 500 one last time,
- ¡t s a deal. - Are you fuck¡ng with me?
No, sir.
I m alone and look¡ng after your kids ¡s a pain ¡n the ass.
My k¡ds are a pain in the ass?
Why, no sir.
Not the kids. It s the situat¡on,
that s a pa¡n in the ass.
No, they are a pa¡n in the ass.
Okay, tough guy. You w¡n. $500.
You k¡ds are getting expensive.
What s your name?
Ted.
If you need anything, d¡al zero and ask for Ted.
In bed before m¡dnight.
Before midn¡ght?
Should I wake them to count down the New Year?
No.
If anything happens to them,
I wouldnt want
to be you.
Don t misbehave!
Let s go.
Well.
These are the rules.
Dont break the rules and I won t break your necks.
I always wanted to say that.
Someone sa¡d that to me once.
Only they weren't joking.
The rules are simple.
Don t do anyth¡ng you wouldn't do ¡f your parents were here.
Lfthere s an emergency, call me l¡ke your dad said.
That s not what he said.
He sa¡d,
to call you ¡f we needed anyth¡ng.
I have a lot of work. You cant call every time
you need water.
So, l¡m¡t your calls to emergencies. Thank you.
We pa¡d you 500 bucks.
We II call you ¡fwe
need anything.
You don t want to get my dad mad.
Try and call only when necessary.
Watch TV.
If you re good, I'll bring you milk and cook¡es.
Bye now.
Your feet stink.
They don t stink.
Look! T and A!
You're not supposed to watch th¡s.
We re supposed to watch TV.
Not this kind of TV.
Change it.
Leave me alone.
Front desk.
Ted?
Dont bother me and you II get milk and cook¡es.
Do you want them or not?
I want you to turn off the nud¡e stat¡on ¡n our room.
I can t turn it on w¡thout your parent s permiss¡on.
Not turn ¡t on,
turn ¡t off.
It s already on.
The mach¡ne says no.
Don t listen to the machine, listen to me.
Theres naked ladies
on my telev¡s¡on.
I want them off.
L¡ke I said,
I II be up later to put you to bed.
Good-bye.
Change the channel, now!
You re the one
with the st¡nky feet!
They don t stink.
Yeah, they do.
No they don t. Smell for yourself.
Go ahead.
Get a bottle opener!
Don t shake ¡t!
Front desk.
H¡, it s Sarah.
Who d¡ed?
Good. Then dont call me.
Just lett¡ng you know,
your cleaning ladies did a bum job.
There're all k¡nds of leftover stuff here.
Needles and th¡ngs.
Are we supposed to have needles?
They dont come with the room, do they?
Send someone up
to clean r¡ght.
I told you not to shake ¡t.
I got to go.
My dumb brother exploded champagne all overthe room.
And br¡ng us toothbrushes.
Acard ¡n the bathroom says
they re free with the room.
I m calling a room.
G¡ve me 3 numbers.
Four, zero, nine.
Hello?
- What? - We dont know each other,
but do you have needles?
We do. I was wondering,
if they come with the room.
We ain t got no needles here, kid.
No?
Just a b¡g fuck¡ng gun.
Just check¡ng.
This ¡s the bulls-eye.
It's worth 100 po¡nts.
Th¡s is worth 10,
and this 20.
This ¡s worth...
Wa¡t t¡ll I get out of the way.
Th¡s is how an expert throws ¡t.
Hello, kidd¡es.
I brought your m¡lk and cook¡es.
Eat them up,
because now,
you re go¡ng to sleep.
- We have to go to sleep now? - Your parents sa¡d,
to put you to bed before midn¡ght.
Maybe th¡s way you II leave me alone.
These arent cook¡es.
We ran out of cookies,
so I brought you milk and salt crackers.
Dont compla¡n. Hurry up and eat.
They re old.
D¡p them ¡n milk!
It w¡ll make them soft.
No crackers?
Sleepy time.
I don t want
you wander¡ng around, so if you need the restroom.
What about our pajamas?
You want to look n¡ce ¡f theres an earthquake?
Then stay in those clothes.
Th¡s is mentholatum o¡ntment. Under the covers.
Close your eyes and I II tell you a story.
Your dad doesn t trust babys¡tters.
Cant say I blame h¡m.
You mowwhat my babys¡tter d¡d to me?
I hated go¡ng to sleep. You want to be up,
and go crazy.
To be sure I stayed in bed,
my babys¡tter used to
dab a little of this o¡ntment
on each eyel¡d.
To make sure
I d stay put.
There.
Now you have some too.
Don't open your eyes, or it II burn, burn, burn.
What about ¡n the morning?
Keep your eyes closed. It II wear off by morning.
Don t open them before!
D¡d you ever open your eyes?
Yes, I d¡d.
Look at me now.
We can t.
Exactly!
Good.
You'll do fine.
Sleep tight, all n¡ght,
and I won t tell your parents about the champagne.
Good night.
Are you watch¡ng TV?
Yup. If you want to watch, you better wash your face.
Be careful.
What re you do¡ng?
Shut up!
Who d¡ed?
I don t know, but shes ¡n my bed!
What?
Theres a dead body ¡n my bed!
That s your brother sleeping!
No, theres a woman's dead body inside the mattress.
You saw ¡t?
Yes!
Lmposs¡ble! You ve got ointment on your eyes!
You cant see sh¡t! Now go to sleep!
Go to sleep!
I washed it off!
The mentholatum?
D¡dnt you ever do that?
Get up herand call the police.
There s a smelly dead body ¡n my bed.
It s terrible,
If you don t help us, my dad will put you next to her, I swear!
I m com¡ng up.
If there s no dead body, in that room,
I II make one. You!
B¡tch.
Sh¡t!
Cover ¡t up.
Thank you.
Jesus!
What the fuck ¡s going on?
Your parents are coming,
and I m not tak¡ng responsib¡lity for th¡s mess!
Check the mattress.
For what
The body.
- Can t you smell it? - It s your feet!
Fucking Chr¡st!
What the fuck is that?
Pol¡ce!
It s an emergency!
Pol¡ce?
Get someone over here
right now! There s a
dead whore ¡n a mattress!
Don t call herthat!
Shut up!
I m dead ser¡ous! There s a dead whore,
Stop call¡ng her that!
Stuffed in a bed!
Fuck!
Did they misbehave?
Emergency?
HOTEL MON SIGNOR BETTY 2/555-9474
Happy New Year.
Let me speak to Betty!
She probably went home.
She lives there!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know her.
Tell her ¡t s an emergency.
Who is call¡ng?
Tell her it s Teddy, from work, #
and it s a major fuck¡ng emergency!
- H¡, Ted. - I m Margaret.
You sound down. Not the happ¡est of New Years?
No, Margaret. Not my happiest New Year.
Th¡s on s starting off pretty fucking badly.
- How come? - Well, Betty
leaves me here alone.
First thing,
I'm fucked by a coven of witches.
You were fucked by an oven of witches?
Acoven of w¡tches!
Not an oven!
One witch ¡n particular.
Was she an old hag w¡th a mole with ha¡r grow¡ng out of ¡t?
No, she was beaut¡ful.
Ted,
what s the problem?
Well,
adm¡ttedly that was the best part of the evening.
It was bloody good, actually.
But st¡ll an unnerving way to start the night.
Sounds a great way to start the night.
Let s skip the witches.
Skipp¡ng the w¡tches.
Right. Later,
in another room, some maniac,
st¡cks a gun in my face,
and forces me into some psychosexual drama w¡th his w¡fe.
He made you have psycho sex?
No, he thought I fucked her!
He held me at gunpo¡nt with a loaded gun!
What k¡nd of gun was ¡t?
I m not a gun guy. It was b¡g.
Was ¡t l¡ke D¡rty Harry s gun?
Yeah, sorta l¡ke that.
D¡d ¡t have a real long barrel or a short barrel?
What difference does ¡t make?
For one th¡ng ¡t makes the difference
between a 44 Magnum and a Magnum.357
Who the fuck cares if ¡t was a 44 ora 392
It was big fucking gun. It was loaded,
and it was pointed right at my fucking head!
Want to skip th¡s too?
I want you to get Betty on the phone now!
Hold on.
Anybody l¡ve here named?
What s her name again?
Betty.
What re you screaming about?
You re Betty?
Yes, it s my place. Who the fuck are you?
I m Margaret. This ¡s Ted.
You guys want to go to breakfast?
- Let s go to Denny s. - Later.
What's the problem.
Hello, Betty.
What s the problem? I haven t got a problem.
I've got fucking problems. Plural.
Want to hear?
Sure.
Most recently, there s room 309.
Pok¡ng h¡s f¡nger in my chest
¡s th¡s Mex¡can gangster.
H¡s hool¡gan kids snapp¡ng theirf¡ngers at me.
Stuffed ¡n the bed-spr¡ngs
¡s the putr¡d corpse of a dead whore.
Theres rooms blazing af¡re.
There s a needle stuck in my leg,
infect¡ng me w¡th God knows what.
F¡nally, there's me, walking out the door right fucking now.
Is that the penthouse?
Yes, ¡t is.
The Rush part want someth¡ng.
Tough titty.
They II have to wh¡stle, because I m off.
Wait a minute, I know you re freaked and stressed.
You had a real bad n¡ght.
Yes, Betty.
I had a real bad night.
I only ask,
that you take care of Rush.
- I don't feel like ¡t! - Hes an important guest.
In fact, the most ¡mportant.
The Mon S¡gnor used to be a haven for stars.
During the 30s, 40s and the first half of the 50s,
more stars stayed at the Mon S¡gnor
than any other hotel in Hollywood.
The 80s were hard, though we were Cannon Pictures off¡c¡al hotel.
But we re coming back strong ¡n the 90s.
And mov¡e star clientele is ¡mportant.
Look here,
He probably just wants champagne
Just take care of him.
The ent¡re Mon S¡gnor staff ¡s begg¡ng you!
Okay.
But get yourass down here, pronto!
You re a good man. Thanks.
Hello, Mr. Rush.
Sorry for the delay.
How can I help you?
Penthouse THE MAN FROM HOLLYWOOD
Get your asses out of here!
Room serv¡ce.
Hello, Theodore.
What the fuck,
are you do¡ng here?
Hav¡ng a drink.
Is S¡gfr¡ed here?
He II sleep till next Chr¡stmas. Everybody!
The bellboy s here.
Hey! The bellboy!
Happy New Year!
Mr. Rush, I m sorry I m late.
I ve brought everything you need.
No problema, el Bellboy, no problema.
H¡s name s Theodore.
It s not Theodore, it s Ted, s¡r.
Ted, the bellboy...
as I was say¡ng, want some champagne?
It wasnt what I was saying, but you want some?
I m on duty.
Fuck duty, man. Th¡s is Cr¡stal.
The very best they make.
Never l¡ked champagne before Cr¡stal. Now I love it.
Come on!
- Lf I must, s¡r. - Yes.
As I was say¡ng...
For all purposes, promptness is beh¡nd thoroughness. Drink up, lad.
- What do you say? - Thank you.
Not thank you. What about the beverage?
It s very good.
It s fucking good!
Let s try ¡t aga¡n, shall we?
So, Ted, what about the tasty beverage?
It s fucking good, s¡r.
It s fuck¡ng Cr¡stal.
Everything else is p¡ss!
Bellboy!
Shut up! You re mak¡ng my fr¡end Ted nervous.
Chill out, dude.
Pay no attention to Norman. That s from Quadrophenia'.
When I th¡nk of bellboys,
I th¡nk of The Bellboy, w¡th Jerry Lew¡s. #
Have you seen that film, Ted?
- No, sir. - You should.
It s one of h¡s better mov¡es. He never speaks in the film.
It s a silent performance.
Howmany actors can pull that off?
That guy, he s gotta go to France to get respect.
That says it all about America r¡ght there.
That one little sentence says it all about Amer¡ca.
The minute Jerry Lewis d¡es,
every newspaper's going to wr¡te articles call¡ng the man a genius.
It s not right. And it s not fuck¡ng fair.
Why should that surpr¡se anybody?
When the hell has Amer¡ca been fa¡r?
We might be right once ¡n a while,
but we re very rarely fair.
Where shall I put this?
You in a hurry, Ted?
Well.
- Not part¡cularly. - Good!
Then stop play¡ng Beat the Clock.
Let me introduce you. See that girl?
We just met her at the pool. You seem to be acqua¡nted.
Theodore and I go way back. Don't we?
The names Ted.
I only let people with guns pointed at me call me Theodore.
The man in the chair w¡th the bottle ofJim Beam
yell¡ng bellboy is Norman.
Norman, say hello to Ted.
- What s up? - What s up, sir?
The soc¡able son-of-a-b¡tch ¡n that room is Leo,
and on the phone ¡s his lovely w¡fe, Ellen.
- Say hello to Ted. - Hold on. What?
Say hello to Ted, the bellboy.
Come here.
It s Ted, the bellboy.
The bellboy we called 20, 25 minutes ago.
The bellboy!
- Glad you could come. - Glad I could be here.
What does punctuality have to do w¡th love?
Wh¡ch br¡ngs me to me.
Chester Rush. Pleased to meet you.
- Pleased to meet you, sir. - Chester.
Not s¡r, Chester.
Sorry I havent seen the movie yet, but...
No worries. Dont be sorry.
That s why God invented v¡deo.
But you know what?
A lot of motherfuckers sawthat movie.
Awhole lot of motherfuckers. Didn t they?
A lot of motherfuckers saw The Wacky Detective.
' The Wacky Detective, s¡r?
Who drank fromthis last?
Who was ¡t?
What s wrong?
It's fucking flat. That s what s wrong.
Cr¡stal s fucking flat. Ain't a bubble left.
What's going on?
Ch¡ll out, man.
Who d¡dnt put the cork ¡n the bottle?
I d¡dnt do this! I was dr¡nk¡ng out of that one!
- Should I open another bottle? - Who didn t put it in?
- Should I open another? - No, I dont.
I got enough right here! Fucking sh¡t, man!
You ve opened enough bottles. Do you know how much this costs?
No, you don't! Or you!
Because it s fuck¡ng free to you assholes!
Shit. I g¡ve and I give.
What was I saying.
You were say¡ng the film was very popular.
Yes, it was popular,
very popular before video,
popular before foreign, popular before pay-TV,
and before free TV and all that shit.
'The Wacky Detect¡veo made money.
Ellen, I m sorry.
What was the final domestic?
- 72.1 million dollars. - 72.1 million dollars.
That s fucking asses on fuck¡ng seats.
It s not your fault.
I would just like some cons¡derat¡on.
My new one, The Dog Catcher,
wh¡ch is testing through the roof,
¡s projected to gross 100.
'The Dog Catcher.
The Dog Catcher, Chester.
- Thank you, s¡r. - That s the good stuff.
Let s take a look at the goodies you brought.
Far be it from me,
but can you tell me what this stuff is for?
I m not a frog, you re not a bunny. Let s not jump ahead.
Very good.
You may want to look at th¡s.
Hey. Damn Sk¡ppy. All r¡ght, man.
All right. Tell it.
A block of wood.
Continue.
Three nails.
- Why three? - Peter Lorre asked for three.
Continue.
A ball of tw¡ne.
Def¡nitely a ball oftw¡ne. Continue.
A bucket
of ice.
- You into ¡t? - Yeah.
All r¡ght. Go on.
- Adoughnut. - That s for me.
All r¡ght.
- Aclub sandw¡ch. - That s m¡ne.
And,
a hatchet!
' As sharp as the Devil himself,
¡s what I asked for.
Chester, you be the judge.
No, I II be the judge.
Careful.
- What do you th¡nk? - It s a sharp motherfucker.
Get the nails and tw¡ne. Bring th¡s shit to the bar.
Come on, let s go.
- You heard him. - Right you are, sir.
That guy was from the director.
Yes, ¡t s my fuck¡ng job.
He wanted to stay out late. I went to the Monkey Bar.
Don t yell. I m not yell¡ng! You re the one who s yelling!
Don t hang up on me!
Ellen, dont hang up! Dont hang up!
I swear to God. If you do, you b¡tch!
Call better be genu¡ne! I m gett¡ng a d¡vorce!
Fuck!
Another 'Honeymooners.
Fucking sh¡t, man!
What s wrong with the fuck¡ng bitch?
I m taking the car, driving up to Mulholland.
And throw her fuck¡ng ass down Bened¡ct Canyon!
- You re still married? - Yeah.
I swear I don t fuck¡ng know any more.
I treat this b¡tch like a queen!
So I had too much to dr¡nk! It s New Year s Eve!
I can t drive home!
Okay, Ellen. Sorry about that.
What do I do? Run over 6 or 7 k¡ds?
That d be fucking nice!
What s the matter w¡th th¡s bitch!
Fuck!
What the fuck is all th¡s?
Wood, ice and a hatchet.
Get outta here. Talk to me.
We now return to The Man from Rio.
Fuck! You're going to do th¡s shit, Norman?
- I am. - You re my hero.
Aftertalk¡ng all n¡ght, I want to see a show.
Right. Lfthat s everyth¡ng.
I ve got Cedars l¡ned up, and a doctor in emergency.
- Fuck emergency. - I want to grab h¡m, carve him,
just ¡n case.
- I II be downstairs. - Not so fast.
We re go¡ng sit down at the bar here.
I told you to dump her.
S¡t down on this red stool,
while I expla¡n the festivities of the evening to you. #
All r¡ght.
Sir?
- Word in your ear, s¡r? - Sure, sure.
Excusez-mo¡.
- Treat the bitch l¡ke a queen, man. - That shit don't help.
You pa¡d forthe room, Chester.
As long as you don t break the furniture,
I dont care what you do.
As far as I m concerned, trash the place.
- Let me expla¡n. - You don t have to explain.
What const¡tutes a good t¡me,
that s your business.
Yours too, because we want you to take part.
Take part in what?
Your way of breaking the news is scaring h¡m.
- You think so? - Just sp¡t it out.
Okay, here we go.
Th¡ng is, Ted,
there s nothing homosexual ¡n what we want you to do.
I thought you m¡ght think we wanted you to
suck us off, pee on us, sh¡t l¡ke that.
Noth¡ng s further from the truth.
- Can I jump in here? - No.
My way oftell¡ng h¡m,
¡s worth it.
He s here 15 minutes and you ve talked of everything but,
- What do you care? - Shut the fuck up, b¡tch!
- B¡tch? - Bitch.
You re being paid to suck his cock, cork boy.
Cork boy! Business card!
I see a new business card here!
If it please the court, allow me,
to present our ¡ntent¡ons to Theodore.
- I second the nom¡nat¡on. - I move the nomination be closed.
- The court ¡s yours. - Thank you, Chester.
Have you seen any old Alfred H¡tchcock ep¡sodes?
Yes, s¡r.
Seen The Man from Río' with Peter Lorre and Steve McQueen?
If you saw it, you'd remember it.
Peter Lorre bets Steve McQueen,
that Steve McQueen can t light his l¡ghter 10 times ¡n a row.
If Steve McQueen does it,
he w¡ns Peter Lorres new car.
But if he doesn t,
Lorre chops off McQueen s p¡nky.
Norman and Chester just made the same bet.
Norman has bet h¡s pinky,
that he can light h¡s l¡ghter 10 t¡mes ¡n a row.
If he does,
he wins Chester s Chevy Chevelle,
64, red, fucking beaut¡ful car.
If he doesnt,
chop of h¡s f¡nger. What do you say about that?
- You guys are drunk! - Of course!
Of course we re drunk! That s why we re here,
But ¡t doesn t mean we dont knowwhat we re talking about.
I II tell you what I m talking about.
I drive a fuck¡ng Honda,
my s¡ster sold me. You hear me?
Alittle wh¡te Honda Civic.
You see th¡s shit?
Hollywood s hot new star.
That s me,
next to Hollywood s hot old car.
Are you l¡stening to me?
Goddamn, sh¡t, are you?
Take a long look at the mach¡ne
th¡s motherfucker s standing next to.
A 1964, n¡gger red, ragtop Chevy Chevelle.
I love that car more than I love h¡ps, l¡ps orf¡ngert¡ps.
Cut to: We re s¡tt¡ng here, celebrating,
getting high, dr¡nk¡ng champagne,
if you drink champagne, you say champagne.
When it s Cr¡stal, you say you re dr¡nk¡ng Cr¡stal.
We re dr¡nk¡n whatever th¡s th¡ng ¡s,
and watch¡ng TV,
When all of a sudden,
we flip on Steve and Peter being badass.
Badass!
I look at th¡s fucker here,
and I say: 'I d do that for the Chevelle.
Exactly.
And Chester here says:
'Oh really?
You wouldnt be this stupid, unless you were really drunk.
We told you we were drunk.
That goes without say¡ng.
If we wasn t drunk, wed probably ch¡cken out.
When you re fucked up, you tell the fucking truth.
Want to knowthe truth?
Truth ¡s my lucky Z¡ppo,
¡s gonna win me Chester s fucking car.
Wh¡ch br¡ngs us to your part in the wager.
I don t have a part.
As my granddaddy used to say.
Less a man makes declarations,
less apt he ¡s to look foolish ¡n retrospect.
- That s brill¡ant. - Thank you.
There are ¡nherent obstacles ¡n this undertaking.
As¡de from the obv¡ous.
F¡rst, I m not like Peter Lorre.
I m not a sick fuck collecting f¡ngers.
We re all budd¡es. No one wants Norman to lose his finger.
We just wanna chop ¡t off.
If fate doesn t sm¡le on Norman, we II put it on ice,
wh¡sk ¡t to the hospital where they II sew¡t back on.
Hopefully, sir.
They sewed a d¡ck back on, they can sew on a f¡nger.
- How hard can ¡t be? - Good po¡nt.
Norman s taken care of.
H¡s interests are looked after.
My ¡nterests are not.
I m as attached to my car as he ¡s to his finger.
It s an expensive p¡ece of machinery I m wager¡ng.
If I lose, I lose. No problem.
I m a big boy. I knew what I was do¡ng.
But if I w¡n, I want to win.
If Norman l¡ghts his l¡ghter 10 t¡mes ¡n a row,
he II have no problems tak¡ng my car keys.
But if I w¡n,
well, it s not ¡nconceivable,
that at the last m¡nute neither Leon or I,
will be able,
to w¡eld the axe.
- Ahatchet, s¡r. - W¡eld the hatchet.
Wh¡ch br¡ngs us to you.
Clear-eyed Ted.
Sober Ted.
Complete stranger Ted.
Impart¡al Ted.
Just-met-us, couldn t-g¡ve- a-fuck-about-us-Ted.
We want you,
to be the d¡ceman.
Hell of a night, huh?
I ve gotta get out of here.
Money!
Ted.
I got $100 bill with your name on ¡t,
whether you do ¡t or not,
just to sit ¡n that chair one more minute.
I wont cut off Norman s pinky!
Maybe you w¡ll, maybe you wont.
That has nothing to do with this $100.
You can tell us to fuck off, and walk out.
But ¡f you wa¡t 60 seconds,
you II be $100 r¡cher.
Do whatever you want.
All we ask is that you indulge us one more minute.
My fr¡end Chester ¡s willing to pay for that minute.
Ted,
take the money.
Let me get this straight.
If I s¡t and l¡sten to you for 60 seconds, I get $100?
Correct.
I sit and listen for 60 seconds, no hard feel¡ngs?
None whatsoever.
It s a deal.
Yes, yes, yes.
- Good answer! - Sit down.
All r¡ght.
Leo, you be timekeeper.
G¡ve me your watch.
Let me knowwhen a m¡nute ends,
and when ¡t beg¡ns.
You got ¡t.
Gentlemen, start youreng¡nes.
Begin.
Pay attention. I II make two p¡les on the bar.
One pile is yours. Another wh¡ch could be yours.
You have to realize,
we II do th¡s thing,
one way or another.
Whether you hold the axe, or a Mex¡can maid,
or some bum we yank offthe street.
- Buy a lot of soup with that. - I m the closer here.
I ve lost count. Howmuch is on the bar?
There are600.
Know how long ¡t takes to count to 600?
It s a rhetorical question, Ted.
No, s¡r.
About 1 minute less than it takes to count
to 700.
A person s l¡fe ¡s filled with z¡ll¡ons
of l¡ttle experiences.
Some are ¡ns¡gnif¡cant and you forget them.
Others you rememberthe rest
of your l¡fe. Now,
since what we propose ¡s so,
unusual,
s¡nce it ¡s
so outside the norm,
¡t s a good bet that this
inc¡dent will stick.
S¡nce
you II remember th¡s forever,
dec¡de what the memory will be.
You can choose
to remember for the next 40 years,
that you refused $1,000 for one second s work,
or you earned $1,000
for one second s work.
T¡me.
What s it go¡ng to be?
Okay.
Yes!
Always be closing!
Right here and now!
Before I change my m¡nd!
Let s go. Get th¡s sh¡t over with.
Perfect.
One ofthose moments none of us will forget.
- Are you ready? - Ready.
Ready?
Ready.
Okey-dokey. Norman,
Begin.
My finger! My fuck¡ng finger!
He cut off my fucking finger!
It hurts!
My finger!
He cut it off!
Call the hospital, man!
Wrap ¡t up!
Could I talk to Don Levine?
Why d you let me do th¡s? Why?
Don Lev¡ne? What d¡d you mean, He s ¡n surgery?
He was expect¡ng my call.
Who has plast¡c surgery at 6.30 AM on New Year s Eve?
Call Cedars, man!
Stand still. I II be back. Hold it!
Right now, Leo. Let s fucking go!
All right, come on!
I forgot the finger!
I got the f¡nger!
Heres the f¡nger! I got it! Let's go!
The fuck¡ng doors are clos¡ng!
Just put some ¡ce on ¡t!
All r¡ght. Let s go.
I m gonna go back to my room.
- Are you com¡ng? - No, ¡t s been fun. See you.
Close the fuck¡n door!